Have you ever felt like a lost soul? One without a sense of direction or purpose. I do. Sometimes I feel this deep sense of sadness within me. It feels as if I am wasting my life away. I feel I have not achieved much, despite people telling me otherwise. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am setting to high of a goal/standard for myself. Maybe I am not seeing what others have/had seen in me. Maybe I am unconsciously shifting my achievement/goal pole further away each time that I feel I have yet to achieve anything significant.
I read an article about how before creating the Harry Potter series, JK Rowling was clinically depressed. A phrase in the article resonated much with me – Rock bottom is a foundation, not a conclusion!!! It made me to re-evaluate my current state of mind.
All this mixed emotion has only affected me as a person. I am more withdrawn now and I am also less sociable. I stopped doing things that I love. I crave chocolate more than celery stick. It has taken a toll on the person that I used to be. Life seems to be going pear-shaped. Like literally. I am eating myself blue… Gosh! Even at this phase why can’t I have the counter effect of losing appetite as oppose to craving for very single damn thing… God is playing punk with me, I say.
While I was wallowing in my “permanent” state of exhaustion and carefully breaking another latest edition of M&M’s chocolate bar my close companion Android went “beep”, “beep”. I received a message from a good friend. She shared a Ted Talk video titled “How to stop screwing yourself over” by Mel Robbins. Bless you, creator of YouTube and WhatsApp. I had goosebumps watching the talk. The way the speaker defined the “F” bomb is spot on. Okay, before your mind wonders let me make it clear that I am talking about the word “Fine”. Much overused cliché word.
The talk got me thinking. This “new” me is toxic and staying on like a parasite. I have become nonchalant about certain matters and people in life because I have become tired of the same. We all go through this at certain phase of our lives. Okay, don’t shake your head now… I know you would have had your fair share of what the hell moments too :). We are human with feelings after all. But, why? I self-reflected on my past and present. It’s important to identify the root cause of an issue and to keep ourselves focused on self-improvement moving forward. Do I sound like a “self-help” guru here… gosh, I hope not.
I realised my low self-confidence had shaped my thinking and many decisions that I had made in life. I am often hard on myself. Though I know I can be so much more; my low self-esteem has kept me from living life to the fullest all these years. It’s draining. I regret depriving myself of real happiness, joy, accolades, etc. that I deserved. But, but I “woke up” and realised I am enough.
Think I need another holiday to come back refreshed and rejuvenated… if only there are enough leaves… grrrrr… It’s time to let go and heal. March forward I will to be on an even keel.