Dear ME … you are enough!

Have you ever felt like a lost soul? One without a sense of direction or purpose. I do. Sometimes I feel this deep sense of sadness within me. It feels as if I am wasting my life away. I feel I have not achieved much, despite people telling me otherwise. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am setting to high of a goal/standard for myself. Maybe I am not seeing what others have/had seen in me. Maybe I am unconsciously shifting my achievement/goal pole further away each time that I feel I have yet to achieve anything significant.

I read an article about how before creating the Harry Potter series, JK Rowling was clinically depressed. A phrase in the article resonated much with me – Rock bottom is a foundation, not a conclusion!!! It made me to re-evaluate my current state of mind.

All this mixed emotion has only affected me as a person. I am more withdrawn now and I am also less sociable. I stopped doing things that I love. I crave chocolate more than celery stick. It has taken a toll on the person that I used to be. Life seems to be going pear-shaped. Like literally. I am eating myself blue… Gosh! Even at this phase why can’t I have the counter effect of losing appetite as oppose to craving for very single damn thing… God is playing punk with me, I say.

While I was wallowing in my “permanent” state of exhaustion and carefully breaking another latest edition of M&M’s chocolate bar my close companion Android went “beep”, “beep”. I received a message from a good friend. She shared a Ted Talk video titled “How to stop screwing yourself over” by Mel Robbins. Bless you, creator of YouTube and WhatsApp. I had goosebumps watching the talk. The way the speaker defined the “F” bomb is spot on. Okay, before your mind wonders let me make it clear that I am talking about the word “Fine”. Much overused cliché word.

The talk got me thinking. This “new” me is toxic and staying on like a parasite. I have become nonchalant about certain matters and people in life because I have become tired of the same. We all go through this at certain phase of our lives. Okay, don’t shake your head now… I know you would have had your fair share of what the hell moments too :). We are human with feelings after all. But, why? I self-reflected on my past and present. It’s important to identify the root cause of an issue and to keep ourselves focused on self-improvement moving forward. Do I sound like a “self-help” guru here… gosh, I hope not.

I realised my low self-confidence had shaped my thinking and many decisions that I had made in life. I am often hard on myself. Though I know I can be so much more; my low self-esteem has kept me from living life to the fullest all these years. It’s draining. I regret depriving myself of real happiness, joy, accolades, etc. that I deserved. But, but I “woke up” and realised I am enough.

Think I need another holiday to come back refreshed and rejuvenated… if only there are enough leaves… grrrrr… It’s time to let go and heal. March forward I will to be on an even keel.

What am I missing?

I was away for about three weeks visiting family, friends and familiarity. It felt good to be back home. Realised seeing my parents gave me a certain sense of joy. Of course my sisters too. But as usual, we annoy each other along the way in a good way. But with my parents, it’s always different. Is it because their presence gives me a sense of calmness, unconditional love and genuine care? It was also different this time around. I noticed a certain sense of frailty. My parents are ageing, and their health is declining. As much as I try to negate these facts, it is a reality. Makes me wonder…. What am I missing staying so far away from home? Is it worth it?

 

 

A NOTE to younger ME…

And so, the big 36 is approaching soon. Like tomorrow to be precise. Pheww!!! The only constant is moving time. It feels like Jan just started but Oct has caught on pretty fast, and  Dec is within a close second. Reflecting and realised the measure of life, after all, is not its duration, but how one has utilised, evolved within the given timeline. Everybody’s goal differs. For some, it’s about tangible growth like material wealth, career, etc., and for others, it’s about intangible inner personal growth.

Sometimes I wonder whether my journey would have been better if I had made wiser choices. It’s a constant battle and struggle in trying to reconcile some events from the past. Was thinking if I could travel back in time, and have a chat with my younger self, what would I say. Was surprised to note that it was a pretty long list. Here goes… are you ready for some shameful self-confession?

•Be silly, goofy. Life would get serious eventually but for now just be silly. Laugh and love much.

•Never underestimate yourself ever. You have come a long way through your hard work & strength. You rock!

•Always listen to your instinct. Its always right.

•Just freaking love yourSELF much.

•Don’t be a follower. Be a seeker.

•Always be humble.

•Start a bucket list early and achieve it.

•If you like/love a guy, open up, and just say it. Probably he is as shy as you are too. The “what if” after that would be heart-rending.

•But remember you also do not need a relationship to feel complete. It comes from within and don’t look for it outward.

•People will always be judgmental about the way you look, talk, and your weight. Don’t let that define you as a person. You are more than your skin.

•LISTEN. You are not born to clear other people’s mess.

•Be financially prudent, wise. Learn to invest at a very young age.

•Exercise. Eat healthy – by that I mean more dessert, not 😛

•Budget airlines would be an “in” thing in the future. So make sure you TRAVEL. Because you enrich yourself by seeing the world.

•Choose your friends wisely. Your vibe attracts your tribe. Emit the right vibe.

•Read ferociously. Expand your worldly knowledge. Few years down the line you will be exposed to various social media and gadgets but trust me there is nothing like holding a good book. Also, analyse your surroundings. Make an informed decision always.

•Pursue an engineering or IT degree (because in the long run, it’s more marketable). But then I need to speak to my 13-year-old self to buck up in Maths and Physics *facepalm*. the ever dilemma of I don’t heart Maths.

•Learn to play a musical instrument and swim.

•I know it’s hard but just love your hair and take care of your skin.

•Never be ashamed of you who you are.

•Give back to society.

My younger self, you will go places, in fact, live in different countries. You will gain new experience and meet new people. Trust me; you have come a long way on your own. Be proud of yourself. Be confident. Whenever you feel you had fallen into a rut, remember it’s time to cut whatever that weigh you down. Live, laugh & love.

Mystified

Penned down a random observation of mine.

This world is a funny sphere

No, no the people in this world are a funny bunch

When insincere flattery is lauded

Inconvenient truth is frowned upon

Unpretentiousness is termed aloofness

Is this the price one pays for showing realness?

A day at the city

A day at the city

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Winter has officially started. Not a fan of the cold weather for obvious reasons (1) it is cold, (2) the day gets darker early, and (3) it makes me feel like a humongous sloth. So, when I realised the sun’s going to be up on Saturday, I knew I had to take full advantage of the day.

I decided to spend my Saturday wandering around the city. The city of Adelaide is a planned capital with parklands and is close to River Torrens. It is divided into four terraces (North, South, and East & West – my featured image would make sense now :)). That makes it pretty easy to navigate. My mental note is to picture it as a giant grid. So, trust me even if you are a new tourist here it would be hard for you to be lost. Unless of course if your sense of direction is utterly downside up. Hey, if it’s any comfort I’ve got a bad sense of directions too.

I realised most time when I drive I am oblivious to the beautiful surrounding around me. Well, what do you expect right; my focus is purely on the road and looking out for other vehicles. Trying to drive safely with the hope of not crashing onto anyone or anything. Hence, I decided to take the bus to the city this time around. Must say, at times I too plan brilliantly because the journey was fun. Minus sitting at the bus stop in the chilly weather, of course.

Now, my first pit stop at the city was at the Adelaide Central Market. Yes, you read it correctly I went to the MARKET!!!. Hold your horses now, and let me tell you about the ever vibrant Central Market.

 The market is the city’s hub for all things food. There are a generous amount of sample wares from different food stalls too. If you are not a foodie (God save you), you can venture around at the second-hand books shop, clothes, souvenir, organic shops, etc. I love to witness the bustling market with a colourful array of fresh produce, a variety of cheese, fresh coffee beans, smell of freshly baked bread, cafe, people watching, etc. This market is so organised that it has its own Market Board members running it. How cool is that?

I had my brunch at this place called “Big Table” at the market. It’s not a fancy restaurant with big table mind you. In fact, it only had two reasonable sized tables by the side and bench bar seating. I managed to get a counter seat. I call it the “premium” seat. I can see the staffs working around the tiny kitchen space and the barista brewing her coffee from my premium seat. Amazing how the ever friendly staffs manoeuvre around the tiny workspace. A good place to enjoy the buzz of the market while sipping some coffee and indulging in yummy feast. Since this eatery is right smack in the middle of the market be assured that only fresh produce is used in their cooking.

 After the market expedition, I took the tram and ended up at Rundell Mall, Australia’s first pedestrian street mall. Tram rides are free within Adelaide city zone. There was a massive winter sale at MYER. My eyes sparkled with excitement. Of course, yours truly had to treat herself. Got a winter jacket for myself. Must admit not an impulsive purchase but I truly needed one. Finally, a proper work jacket as oppose to a gym like jacket that I had been wearing to work past couple of days. I dutifully stayed away from the shoe section *pats back*

The thing I enjoy about Rundell Mall is its vibrancy. As you walk, the whole street will be full of life with street buskers, mobile food vendors, florist, performers, etc. Some of these buskers are amazingly talented, and they brave the cold weather to perform. Always loved music and how I wish I had a good singing voice. I just sat on the bench and immersed in the live performance. I ended the day by sipping a tiny mug of Belgian choco of happiness at Koko Black. The mug was so tiny they named it Baby Chocolate. But it was so rich and flavourful. Well, if you are on some diet don’t I repeat DON’T step foot here. Because Koko Black is all about yummylicious sweetness. I love hunting for quaint cafe. That’s where you get the best coffee and food.

I must say, cities like Melbourne & Sydney are bigger metropolitan. Much busier and famous. Personally, I feel the city of Adelaide exudes a different kind of vibe. What I have shared is just a drop in the ocean. There are so many things to do and see in the city. You would love it if you ever visit.

Time to head home and wrap up my Saturday. Maybe it’s just me, but while sitting by the window seat during any bus ride listening to songs on my earpiece, my mind will always wonder and ponder on various things. For now, my mind is thinking about all the household chores I’ve put on hold for Sunday 🙂 Bus travel is a great way to get around. Till we meet again on another little adventure or rambling of mine……

Just ME

“…because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing?” ― R.D. Blackmore, Lorna Doone

“Eh, you have cikgu’s (teacher) look lah”. Some common comments I have heard growing up. I exude some teacherly aura, maybe. I don’t know. Not that I walk around with ruler, cane or books. People say I am rather reserved and studious. Maybe, that is why the “cikgu” comments tagged along. Doubt the latter trait because I was surely not a model student. My former Math teacher will stand testament to this :p. Oh, well numbers were never my strength. To me, occupation is not looks specific. By the way, I am not a teacher, but I do love sharing and seeking knowledge.

I have a profound appreciation for the finer and deeper things of life, the beauties of nature, music, art, and literature. I get excited over this sort of things. I love to read beautiful words. I find a certain amount of peace and relaxation out in nature, or through reading. Also, I am always in approbation of good writers. That explains, why the people who mean the most to me (apart from family), are those who can offer me intellectual companionship. I express my appreciation of others through little acts of service rather than verbally.

Well ya, you have guessed it right. I am happily introverted. Not sure why most people tend to pigeonhole introvertism as being lonely. While I embrace the general notion of getting oneself out there, meeting people, forging friendship, attending social gatherings, etc., I stay true to my temperament and am happily me. If I vibe in a new setting, all well and good. Otherwise, I feel drained. I am not antisocial but just selectively social.

At times, extrovert makes it out as if they have much more fun. But fun is very subjective. A “louder” fun need not necessarily be my kind of fun. Contentment comes in many shape, form and size. For me it comes in hanging out with like-minded friends, my positive circle, chatting and laughing out loud, etc. My idea of solitude is being in my element. And maybe, just maybe my element may not be attuned to generality. But that’s okay. Because to each his own.

Crossroad

I am not poetic but just felt like penning this down. A pure random thought of the day from my spider web thinking mind.

 When you reach that forked path
You can’t have both, all at once
There is no trial path…
Did the brain triumph over the heart?
The consequences only comes to light,
After you choose one
So, when you reach that forked path…..
Choose the wise one! ~ TM